Board Stiff by Piers Anthony

So, I’m going to do something unusual for me and start out with a blurb:

“I’m actually a smaranthonyt girl who would make any man an excellent wife. But no man sees that. No man is interested in my mind or personality, just my whatevers. So here is my wish: I’m board stiff. I want Adventure, Excitement, and Romance.”
So begins Piers Anthony’s 38th Xanth novel, in which Irrelevant Candy, looks at her reflection in the water of the shallow well and sees luxuriant midnight black hair to her bre
athtakingly slender waist, matching dark eyes in a lovely face. A torso coming yea-close to absolute perfection. She was man’s desire. That was part of the problem.And in the shallow magic of a wishing well, she asks her wish to be granted. Something happens. A sudden whirlwind surrounds her, lifting her up and ripping off her clothing. She is changing, somehow. Then she falls flat on the ground.
Literally. S
he has been transformed into a flat, stiff board with two knotholes for eyes. ~From Goodreads

Does any one see anything wrong here? To be honest, I looked at the cover, didn’t read the description, and requested the book because I used to love Xanth books from Piers Anthony. For those of you who don’t know about Xanth, read more here.

I really did love all the punny humor, adventure, and romance that came with the Xanth world. Yes, it was rather episodic, but sometimes you want to know what you are getting from a book. I do still love the older Xanth adventures, but now I’m older. I started reading those books when I was in middle school, but now I have this bad habit where I analyze books and you know, critique them. I can’t help but be more than a wee bit disappointed in this book. It stereotypes men and women so completely it was truly hard to read for me. Not all women want a man in their lives (and vice-versa) and that’s pretty much all this book is saying. All the women even look the same, like Barbie dolls! They all have long luxurious hair! I don’t have long hair; I have short hair. I don’t have a tiny waist. I want a normal woman, a muscle-bound woman, a woman with tiny ta-tas.

Even without the stereotypes, The story is nonexistent without the sexualized stereotypes. I mean, sure, Kandy wants a man to want her for something besides her looks, but she turns back into a woman while he sleeps and gives him naughty dreams! -huge sigh- I don’t know if it is because I’m older and they’ve always been this way, or if it is just this book. All I can say is read the first books in the Xanth series, don’t judge them by this book.

Also, if reviews stop coming, it’s because I was too honest, and they either killed me or I can’t get ARCs.

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